Dear Mental Illness

A letter to my mental illness....

Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Yet I love you for just as many reasons.

Reasons I hate you:

1) You've taken some of my family from me

2) You've helped me ruin relationships in more than one way.

3) you've helped ruin my life in many ways: example, self-harm, theft, jail, and even by messing up in school.

4) You've helped me ruin the lives of many.

5) You've even helped me hold on to relationships that I shouldn't

6) You've help me forget who I am.

The reasons I love you:

1) You've helped me bring back some of my family

2) You've helped me make over 2000 friends in the last 2 years

3) you've taken my life in a whole new direction (Thank You!)

4) You've helped me see that I am not Hopeless and that I am a good person.

5) Thanks to you I have made some great friends in life and experience some amazing relationships

6) You've helped me see where I belong

7) You've helped me see who I am and who I want to be.

8) Because of you I can make someone's life a better place, as well as mine

9) Because of you I can see clearly where I was and where I need to be.

Needless to say, I am doing great where I am now, even with all of your short comings. That being said, there are still 2 people who I want in my world but they aren't, my son and my father. I need their support, yet don't have it, yet I am grateful for this in my life who are my support systems. If your reading this, you know who you are.

To date, I have started school and am almost on to my Junior year while maintaining a 4.0 (who would have ever thought? LOL), I have certificates to teach 5 different classes, and am currently working on 4 more, and will reach my goal of starting a recovery college at the rate I am going and I owe most of it to you my mental illness. Thank you for helping to push me to accomplish these tasks.

Today I am grateful for:

1) My recovery

2) my friends and the many more I will make.

3) My new life.

4) The ability to overcome my fears.

5) My friends going through recovery and them making it...

Recovery 101

Your at a crossroad with yourself and you want to be in Recovery, but have no idea how to go about it, yet even start. What do you do? Who do you turn to? Do you go join a group or do you talk to someone about your choices to be in Recovery?

The answer is: you look into yourself to make sure you are ready and you head off on a path that YOU direct. After all, only you know the correct path for You. No one can tell you how to do it, but they can aid you along in your journey.

So now your worried if you start this journey, whether or not you'll relapse. The truth is, you might but then again you might not. You find might the strength with in yourself to stay on your chosen path. However, if you do relapse, don't let it stop you from getting back up and continuing on down your new path. Think of a relapse as a way to move forward and learn from your mistake. Think of relapsing as a teachable moment for yourself. Just find the strength to keep pushing forward.

Some steps to help you while finding your path through recovery. 

• Admit to yourself that there is a problem and seek the help you need. Find someone to talk to, mentor you, join a NA/AA support group, find a peer ran support group, see a therapist or a psychiatrist. You can even talk to a Recovery Coach if you need to and can afford one. Now-a-days there are so many places online even where you can get help. If you go the self-help route though, please remember to stick to it, no matter how much better it feels giving up. 
• Change your thought process. Note that this does take time, so giving up is not the answer here. Instead of always thinking negative, start adding a few positive affirmations on a daily basis. Repeat them to yourself over and over a few times a day and eventually you will notice the negative thoughts slowly going away. Now keep in mind that this doesn't mean you will never have another negative thought, cause we all know thats just not possible in hard times or times of a crisis. So when you get those negative thoughts, work them out and if you can try repeating positive things to yourself. What you want to do is get into the habit of repetitive thinking, positive not negative.
• Find new friends if you need to. You have your friends who will be supportive of you no matter what your dealing with, then you'll have your other friends. The ones that get pissed off at you because your no longer using, drinking, or wanting to be around negative people. These type of people are not your true friends no matter how much you think they are. The people that stick with you, encourage you to do well in your recovery are your true friends. They will stick by you through thick and thin. You relapse, they will help you recover. Sure the hardest thing you might have to do is tell some of your friends to back off so that you can get through this, but if they are a true friend, they will understand. If you need to, go make new friends. Easier said then done, right. However if you join a peer ran support group or join online communities that can pertain to what it is your going through, you'll be surprised at just how many friends you'll make that you can talk to who might just have similar issues to what your going through. I have 2 of the greatest friends (that I met online) in the world now thanks to others reaching out and me grabbing for it. 

Self Harm. Why we do it and ways to stop.

A lot of people with mental illnesses self harm. We do it to release the pain that is in our minds. As a self harmer I often wonder why it has all of a sudden become a national past time with the younger generation being as once you start, you have an even harder time stopping. Cutting has fallen into the hands of our teenagers and even younger generation. Many do it just because they saw someone else do it so they thought they would try it. Many do it because they are truly in pain and feel they need an outlet and cutting gives them that outlet.

But how do you tell who needs the help and who is just trying to fit in by acting like their friends?

A troubled cutter cuts uncontrollably and deep. Someone who is cutting because their friends do it will make scratches here and there.

Self mutilation has become a such a big new trend not just in America, but around the world. Because many people feel it is just a trend, no one knows how to help people who cut, burn, or harm themselves in other ways. Some families hide it, brush it under the rug. Some throw their kids to the therapist while still ignoring that their child has a problem. So what exactly is the right thing to do to get your loved one the help they need?

Self mutilation is no joke and should be taken very seriously. While we don't intend to kill ourselves, some accidently cut to deep and end up taking their own lives. Where do we draw the line at how to help one another? Do we shove people into therapy, forgetting about their aftercare? Do we walk on egg shells so not to make people harm themselves? Do we tell the person they are stupid for doing it and ignore them? Do we brush it a side and not take a second glance at it? No, we don't do any of these things. Instead we stand up for them and get them the help they need; being there with them every step of the way.

Love and Happiness with a Mental Illness

Those of us with a mental illness have a tendency to love to much or to little. We haven't learned how to truly find the happiness that we deserve instead we always settle for what we get or what we feel we deserve. They tell us to love ourself, but those of us with a mental illness rarely have the strength to love ourselves, let alone someone else. So where do we find the strength? 

I've finally (let me rephrase that, "i think I've finally") learned the answer on how to love myself. Repetition! By giving myself self talks and learning to believe in what I'm telling myself I have learned to love myself for the first time in my life. It was a very long and very hard process, but I was able to do it when I had NO faith in myself.

I know many of you are saying; "that's you, not all of us can do that."

Stop doubting and start believing in yourself. You are all better then that! Don't live in your disease, don't live in your past, and never forget your better then all those put together. 

Thinking Positive....

We all hear someone telling us to think positive instead of negative at some point in our lives. For the most part I thought it was B.S. My answer to that when someone would say it to me was always, "you try living in my shoes and then come back and tell me you could think positive." Wrong answer I know, but at the time I liked it.

When I started really getting into my own recovery and started thinking positively, I began to notice things. Such as if I was thinking positive then ideas would happen, if I was thinking negative then negative things would happen. One thing I never thought about was why bad things kept happening to myself and it took me playing games to finally figure it out.

I could be online playing in a game room, be defeating everyone, and then crash my game time and winning streak would go down the drain! When I began to realize what was going on, I started to take notice around me. I noticed if I had my school work or my paperwork for work done then I would win. If I didn't have that kind of stuff done, I'd lose.

  















So was it because of the positive actions that I had done prior to playing those video games or was it just skill?

Then I began trying it with other things in my life. Such as the support group I started at work. As long as I stayed positive about it and encouraged people to come to it, they did, and all my consumers enjoyed it. If I didn't encourage them, they didn't come. Again, fate or negative planning?

Finding your own path to Recovery

For me, finding my own path wasn't easy. It took me hitting rock bottom multiple times to see that I needed to find the help that would get me on the right path. I had an awesome job in Maine (even though I was working 77 hours a week), a nice apartment, and I finally had money in my pocket. However, I knew something was wrong when bad things started happening to me. The first was Congenative Heart Failure, the second was a very deep second degree burn from a lobster pot falling off a burner. In my mind, disaster had struck and my life was going down the drain. So I did what I normally do when bad things start to happen and I ran. I made a pit stop in Massachusetts, where I was homeless for 2 months and then I raised the funds to come to NC to my moms house where I felt safe and secure. However, that wasn't enough for me. I knew I had to do something to find the strength to go on.

When I got to NC one of the first things I did was to check myself into Durham Center Access. They set me up with a Dialectical Behavior Therapy class for Borderline Personality Disorder and they hoped it would help with my Bipolar as well since they couldn't help me with that. I started looking into various programs and support groups that would help me and found that I was at a road block due to a lack of funds in the area. So I forced myself out of bed everyday and forced myself to find something to do to help me. I became a Certified Peer Support Specialist and a Certified Recovery Coach. I have found my path through helping others who have a close background to myself.

For starters I had to get rid of the spider webs in my head and the negative thoughts (don't get me wrong, they never completely go away) to over come any doubt I had in myself that I could do this. I called around until I found someone offering the Peer Support Training class, sent emails begging to be allowed in his class even though I had no money to cover the costs, then I joined in with various support groups a little further away then I would have liked to have driven but I did it. I then decided I needed to change my music and boy do I love all kinds of music! But I was soon to learn, I could no longer listen to the heavy metal bands as they have a tendency to trigger me, so country and rock it became.

I next, took 3 walls in my bedroom (I live with my mom still) and made my own personal toolbox. On this vision wall I placed photos, sayings, newspaper clippings, cards and letters, recovery quotes, and drawings. I add to them still and as I look over this wall I reflect when I am and where I have been. I have also started blogging and that helps me more then I ever thought possible. Just to see my thoughts, anger, happiness and fears come out in word and to be able to read of them is a truly amazing feeling.

The point to all this is that recovery is possible if you want it bad enough. It doesn't have to happen over night, nor does it have to be continuous, but it is possible. Put it in your mind that you can and will do it, force yourself if need be, but start finding your way. You are the only one who can live your life, not everyone else, you and you alone. Plant your feet and get started! Take that step to your first support group meeting, find medicines that work for you, start a vision wall, let go of some of your anger and you'll start to see a change. Wake up every morning and tell yourself one thing positive about you or do one positive thing a day and you will see a difference.

Remember, only you can help yourself into and out of recovery. Recovery is possible and it does Happen!

Easier? I think not.

I had a lady tell me yesterday that people in recovery have it easier then those who are still struggling. I told her that isn't true. People in recovery, I think have it harder. We are still struggling to maintain a balance in our lives so that we can function on a daily basis. I feel that is the hardest part as relapse is so much more easier to achieve. People in recovery have to fight each and every day just like someone not in recovery. It becomes a battle of which will is stronger with us. Personally, I have just as many bad days as I do good days and I have to fight through each and every moment of those.

Recovery is not an easy venture to try and get through. It takes a person who wants to recover and has the power to step forward and fight for what they want.