Where am I?

My mind often wonders and I don't know what to do about it. How do I control it? Is it my Bipolar raging through or is it my Borderline playing games? These are things I wonder about daily as I wake up and realize I have nothing to do today and think about what I can get into to keep it busy. Everyday I look for things to research, complete, or even start. For I know if I don't do something to keep my mind occupied, I will do nothing but sit her and fret. Which is a no-no. Fretting gets me into trouble, trouble I don't want or need.

Currently I am trying to get my company off the ground, but all I see are dead-ends due to a lack of funding I don't have. Is it my mental illness that is blocking me or is it a lack of trying on my part? I don't see it as a lack of trying as that is all I primarily do from sun up to sun down is work on trying. Maybe I'm trying to hard. After all I see all these people doing what I want to be doing, but I just can't get there. Am I not opening my mind enough or maybe it is to open and I need to pick just one or two things and do it, finish them damn it.

Thats the problem with mental illness like Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. Both illness are big about getting in over our heads, trying to please everyone, including ourselves. When in reality I know I have no one to please but me. But yet I try so hard to please everyone else instead, forgetting that I am the one crying out on the inside: "Help me, slow me down, walk beside me, hold my hand, tell me everything will be okay". When is it my time to have others guide me instead of me doing for them? All that sounds greedy, I know. However, in reality if you saw all I do for others without wanting in return, you'd see differently.

I have a big class coming up, am I nervous, no. I do these classes all the time. What I am nervous about is the money I'll be making. I know if I have that kind of money, I'll go on a spending spree and regret it later. Hell my mind is already racing at the thoughts of recovery books, classes, and programs I can get to teach. To teach, that to me is a funny phrase. I am already endorsed to teach 4 different classes and I can't raise enough people "to teach them to". Thats why I find it funny that I want to teach more subjects. 

I have to remember that Recovery Can Happen if I get it together!

Lori