Dear Diagnosis,
At first all I could think about was finding out what you were. Someone once said, "Name it, frame it, contain it." As if it were that simple. If it were a sinus infection, maybe it would hav been different.
If you were something I could take one pill for, and be "cured" then I'd have been thrilled to get you. But really, the word diagnosis, is just saying, "Okay, I am not crazy-there is something wrong." And that has value, more than any non-sick person can imagine (We're going to call them NSP's). But it was a NSP who coined the term "Name it, frame it, contain it."
Some of it is true. But life is rarely that simple. And neither are:
lupus
MCTD
Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, 2B-cancer FREE
AS
SPS (With a titer that is 18 below qualifying for Ig)
Osteoarthritis
AVN
Chronic MRSA
The problem with you, diagnosis, is that you guys keep piling up. One leads to another. Or the treatment for one diagnosis leads to another diagnosis.
Why can't you leave me alone? I am so tired of the days when I can hardly move that I am so exhausted. Where it is all I can do to scoop out the cat box. Or run the dishwasher, carry out the trash. And then the doctor wants me to come and see her twice in one week. And the specialist says, "Oh, yes, we want you to travel 35 miles on the bus from your home in the thunderstorm to come and see us, and now I guess I don't know if I am writing this to the diagnosis, treatment, or the people who are treating me.
I am tired of being told tht I "don't look sick." Or that "I dont see anything wrong, so there must not be.
Diagnosis, you can be elusive, or you can be obnoxiously obvious.
Burt I am tired of living my life with YOU at the c enter of how I function. Granted there will probably always be some bit of me that has to let you have the mic, so to speak, but this is it. I am taking my life back. You can't have it any more, and my life is mine. I should have never let you have so much power over me.
GOD is the one who has that kind of ower. And the days when the pain you cause me is getting the best of me.
I am angry with myself-I gave you the best years of my life. I want a family, and I waited because of you. I gave myu son up at 16 because he was too sick, and I could not take care of him the way he needed or deserved-I lacked the resources.
But I don't have to never have a family because of a list of diagnoses. I can have a life. I can have happiness, I can have loving friends (most of all), and a man in my life who loves me-I may not now-but the possibility doesn't have to be excluded because he might find me "damaged goods" or "unattractive" because of surgery scars. If he does, he's not the one.
But GOD is the ONE. He will be the TRUE father to any child I adopt (I've had a hysterectomy-had to), and I know that I can be a good, caring, and loving mommy.
So, Diagnosis, you can take it and go fly a kite. I am moving on with my life. You are going to take a backseat, not a frontseat. I wish you the best-go ruin someone else's life. I hope they will be smarter than I have been and not let it continue as long as I did though.
Sincerely,
JJC
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